1) Meditation grounds (and my home) by night 2) Yep, I'm as exhausted as I look
3) Aw, she IS that cute!!
4) everytime I looked down, someone was there (I think it was the white!)
Hello!! I just spent 10 days living at a wat with the monks n nuns...doing an intensive meditation retreat. I apologize for the length of this....but a girl hasn't spoken in 10 days...so let me blab....
A word about vipassana: introspective meditation that offers insight to the 4 aspects of human life--mind, body, feelings, and mind objects (much like feelings). It is the realization (or belief...) that everything mental and physical is Anicca, (meaning impermanent), Dukkha (suffering), and Anatta (non-self). Basically, everything has a cause and effect...and unless we learn to understand that, and cut the cause (when needed), it all ends in suffering. (i.e. if we have a happy feeling, we like it, we want more, we become attatched...which eventually leads to our suffering when we can no longer have that). It puts a focus on the present moment...encouraging learners to identify (or name) everything that comes up during meditation, and then release it out and return to the present moment. And, of course, it focuses on the idea of kamma (which is the Pali word for Karma).
---there is a crap load of info on this...so if you are truly interested, look it up. This is a tiny little chunk.
A word about my day to day:
For 10 days, I didn't speak, didn't eat solid foods after noon, spent a ridiculous amount of time in a meditative walk or sit, didn't listen to music, didn't read, and lived by 8 "precepts".
Now, when I say I didn't speak, that's not entirely true. Everyday, I would report to my teacher (enter, Johnathon) and we would talk for 10-15 minutes about how it was going. I imagine him to be something like a psychologist. I would report all my feelings, how my "practice" was going... and had he not been accustomed to this, he would have thought I was bipolar. On day 5, I had a 2 minute conversation (I know this because I had a timer attached to me at all times) with another international student. So, I can't say that I didn't speak....but lets just say that this puts the "day of silence" (a gay-awareness thing we used to do at Rice) to shame.
When I say a "ridiculous amount of time", I mean that. We woke at 4am, ate breakfast at 6am, lunch at 11am, had a 15 minute meeting with Johnathon somewhere in between, and went to bed at 10pm. The rest of the time was dedicated to us...being with us...and meditating. On day 1, I started with a 5 minute walk and a 5 minute sit. By day 10, I was walking for 60 minutes and sitting for 60 minutes (multiple times a day....20 minute break between 'sets'). The walk is done incredibly slowly...think 20 yards in 20 minutes. Also, we name EVERYTHING we do or feel. (for the walk...."heel up, lifting, moving, putting"). In between meditations..."walking, opening, closing, brushing, angry, frustrated, laying, eating, tasting, seeing"....etc, etc.
A word about my living situation:
Accommodation was basic...and really, I can't complain too much. But lets just say that the 'bed' brought the meaning of uncomfortable to entirely different level. On day 1, I hated my cold shower. By day 3, it was my best friend. By day 6, I discovered there actually was a bit of hot water if you waited long enough (I hope that you can see me laughing out loud when I discovered this). One of the 8 precepts was "kill no living being" (these 8 precepts....no killing, no wrong speech, no laying on high bed, no sexual activity, no wrong eating, no stealing, no alcohol/drugs, no dancing, music, singing or beautifying self) were in place to avoid bad kamma (karma)....therefore, I simple had to say "goodnight" to the little (no...not little) spider that lived above my bed...and hope that when I stumbled to the bathroom in the middle of the night that the little (nope...not little) spider that lived there was tucked away happily under the shelf. Now, I'm not usually one to kill living things anyway...but sometimes with spiders, I could make an exception. Not this time. I haven't discovered any spider bites yet...cheers to that good karma.
A word about my experience:
I can't really get into details...anyone who has done anything like this, (or who wants to do something like this) knows (or will discover) that everyone has their own experiences. It effects everyone differently....and I don't want my experiences to shape your ideas of vipassana in any way. I will, however, give you this:
On the best day (there was only 1 of these), I felt as if I weighed 5 pounds...I was skipping, smiling ear to ear, meditating painlessly for hours (when I say hours...I mean 40 walking, 40 sitting....20 minute break....40/40, etc.). On the worst days (yes, there were many of these...but particularly day 5 and day 10), I could have screamed, could have left, could have broken something....it was excruciating...and I don't hesitate AT ALL to use that word. Along with any internal feelings (not that I have some hidden, deep anger issues...mostly it's the effects of the course...being alone 24 hours a day, etc), I had an onslaught of physical stuff. I became a bit intestinally challenged...and I believe something like this crossed my mind "no way I've been in Thailand for 2 months and NOW...NOW I'm gonna get a spurt of TD? When I'm supposed to be sitting on my ass for 12 hours a day? COME ON!". Also, I became so insanely itchy that I was sure the damn cat that I stupidly (yes, I'm angry at myself and speaking to myself this way...oh, and of course naming...."angry, angry, angry") let jump on my "bed" gave me fleas. My skin broke out and felt disgusting...and before I went to sleep on day 5, I believe I said something like this "AHHHHH. I HATE THIS PLACE. WHAT THE F***. THIS STUPID BED. IT'S NOT EVEN A BED. STUPID SPIDER...I HOPE YOU DIE. STUPID CAT....YOU'RE NOT EVEN THAT CUTE. I THOUGHT THIS MEDITATION S*** WAS MEANT TO BE GOOD FOR ME!!!!" (oh..."angry, angry, angry"...."suppressing, suppressing, suppressing", "irate, irate, irate".....). Haha. My next day with Johnathon, I explained my anger...my frustration...my wanting to leave...my thinking this was stupid....it wasn't working...and, to my surprise, Mr. freakin Johnathon came alive. Clapped his hands, smiled ear to ear, and said YES!!! YES!!! NOW you are seeing it. Mmmm...ok. If you say so dude. Then he asks...."how have you been feeling physically? Do you feel itchy? Does your skin feel greasy? Any nausea or diarrhea? Uhhhh....ok, creep ass. Yes, yes and yes. Can you explain now? Apparently....the meditation does this. It "wrings the body out"...if you will. Now, if he would have told me this AFTER I explained my 'conditions', I would have been like "yah...ok...whatever"....I didn't say a word. I felt better that all that was normal...and I believe it was day 6 that was my "best" day. Overall, it was up and down. With the ups averaging somewhere around neutral and the downs averaging somewhere around...well, hell. I didn't enjoy it...but I wasn't really expecting to. I learned stuff, but am not some "enlightened" being after 10 days. I haven't been brain-washed or mentally/physically scarred. The people closest to me may notice a slight difference...but other than that, it was more so just an eye-opening experience. Not something that I can change from just yet....just something I can choose to be more aware of. Obviously, it all goes much deeper than this...they couldn't have possibly taught me all there is to know in 10 days...and I can't possibly tell you in a blog everything I learned in 10 days....the meaning and reasoning behind everything. Why we "name" everything...why Johnathon said that I was "seeing it" after day 5...why I would possible do this to myself...why it's so important to be alone and not talk (and the true effect that has on you)...the intense feelings of "boredom" and what that can do to you....the understanding of the present moment...and how it allows you to let a lot of things go while also understanding they may come back (that idea of annica....imperamance)...the idea of accepting the fear, anger, worry and appreciating the good moments without getting caught on them....
I will give you my first experience being back in the "real world". When I got home (Spicy Thai...), I was SO excited to be here (or to be OUT of there). I talked to Saaw (1 of the chicas that works here) forever, sat on the computer forever, and decided I wanted a PIZZA...a whole one just for ME (you see...all these things I couldn't have before...). So, I had one of the girls order me one...I just pointed to a pretty picture...it looked good and I was sure I could eat the whole dang thing (come on...you have all seen me eat pizza before. And I had it from this place before...the large is quite small...and it's good). Even as I was doing this, I was saying BAD you!! Wanting, wanting, wanting....not a good path Janelle....cut the cause, cut the cause. I didn't. The pizza got here. He handed it to me and I nearly dropped it...it must have weighed 5 pounds. That's just gotta be gross. Then, the bill. It was 500 baht...which is officially, the single biggest transaction I've made since I've been in Thailand. I ate 2 slices. I feel ill. This, according to vipassana would be named "suffering, suffering, suffering"....my happy feeling of being here, led to wanting pizza, led to wanting a WHOLE pizza, led to a huge bill (13 dollars) and a stomach ache....I thus, created my own suffering. And the karma I let out by wanting, wanting, wanting came right back to me...! Now, this may seem like common sense, but you don't really realize how much it truly effects our lives, our relationships, our thoughts....and how hard it is to change...until you sit with it it....and sit with it....and walk with it....and sit with it......
Rachel will be here in 2 days....and, even through my exhaustion that makes me jump up and down!!
A word about vipassana: introspective meditation that offers insight to the 4 aspects of human life--mind, body, feelings, and mind objects (much like feelings). It is the realization (or belief...) that everything mental and physical is Anicca, (meaning impermanent), Dukkha (suffering), and Anatta (non-self). Basically, everything has a cause and effect...and unless we learn to understand that, and cut the cause (when needed), it all ends in suffering. (i.e. if we have a happy feeling, we like it, we want more, we become attatched...which eventually leads to our suffering when we can no longer have that). It puts a focus on the present moment...encouraging learners to identify (or name) everything that comes up during meditation, and then release it out and return to the present moment. And, of course, it focuses on the idea of kamma (which is the Pali word for Karma).
---there is a crap load of info on this...so if you are truly interested, look it up. This is a tiny little chunk.
A word about my day to day:
For 10 days, I didn't speak, didn't eat solid foods after noon, spent a ridiculous amount of time in a meditative walk or sit, didn't listen to music, didn't read, and lived by 8 "precepts".
Now, when I say I didn't speak, that's not entirely true. Everyday, I would report to my teacher (enter, Johnathon) and we would talk for 10-15 minutes about how it was going. I imagine him to be something like a psychologist. I would report all my feelings, how my "practice" was going... and had he not been accustomed to this, he would have thought I was bipolar. On day 5, I had a 2 minute conversation (I know this because I had a timer attached to me at all times) with another international student. So, I can't say that I didn't speak....but lets just say that this puts the "day of silence" (a gay-awareness thing we used to do at Rice) to shame.
When I say a "ridiculous amount of time", I mean that. We woke at 4am, ate breakfast at 6am, lunch at 11am, had a 15 minute meeting with Johnathon somewhere in between, and went to bed at 10pm. The rest of the time was dedicated to us...being with us...and meditating. On day 1, I started with a 5 minute walk and a 5 minute sit. By day 10, I was walking for 60 minutes and sitting for 60 minutes (multiple times a day....20 minute break between 'sets'). The walk is done incredibly slowly...think 20 yards in 20 minutes. Also, we name EVERYTHING we do or feel. (for the walk...."heel up, lifting, moving, putting"). In between meditations..."walking, opening, closing, brushing, angry, frustrated, laying, eating, tasting, seeing"....etc, etc.
A word about my living situation:
Accommodation was basic...and really, I can't complain too much. But lets just say that the 'bed' brought the meaning of uncomfortable to entirely different level. On day 1, I hated my cold shower. By day 3, it was my best friend. By day 6, I discovered there actually was a bit of hot water if you waited long enough (I hope that you can see me laughing out loud when I discovered this). One of the 8 precepts was "kill no living being" (these 8 precepts....no killing, no wrong speech, no laying on high bed, no sexual activity, no wrong eating, no stealing, no alcohol/drugs, no dancing, music, singing or beautifying self) were in place to avoid bad kamma (karma)....therefore, I simple had to say "goodnight" to the little (no...not little) spider that lived above my bed...and hope that when I stumbled to the bathroom in the middle of the night that the little (nope...not little) spider that lived there was tucked away happily under the shelf. Now, I'm not usually one to kill living things anyway...but sometimes with spiders, I could make an exception. Not this time. I haven't discovered any spider bites yet...cheers to that good karma.
A word about my experience:
I can't really get into details...anyone who has done anything like this, (or who wants to do something like this) knows (or will discover) that everyone has their own experiences. It effects everyone differently....and I don't want my experiences to shape your ideas of vipassana in any way. I will, however, give you this:
On the best day (there was only 1 of these), I felt as if I weighed 5 pounds...I was skipping, smiling ear to ear, meditating painlessly for hours (when I say hours...I mean 40 walking, 40 sitting....20 minute break....40/40, etc.). On the worst days (yes, there were many of these...but particularly day 5 and day 10), I could have screamed, could have left, could have broken something....it was excruciating...and I don't hesitate AT ALL to use that word. Along with any internal feelings (not that I have some hidden, deep anger issues...mostly it's the effects of the course...being alone 24 hours a day, etc), I had an onslaught of physical stuff. I became a bit intestinally challenged...and I believe something like this crossed my mind "no way I've been in Thailand for 2 months and NOW...NOW I'm gonna get a spurt of TD? When I'm supposed to be sitting on my ass for 12 hours a day? COME ON!". Also, I became so insanely itchy that I was sure the damn cat that I stupidly (yes, I'm angry at myself and speaking to myself this way...oh, and of course naming...."angry, angry, angry") let jump on my "bed" gave me fleas. My skin broke out and felt disgusting...and before I went to sleep on day 5, I believe I said something like this "AHHHHH. I HATE THIS PLACE. WHAT THE F***. THIS STUPID BED. IT'S NOT EVEN A BED. STUPID SPIDER...I HOPE YOU DIE. STUPID CAT....YOU'RE NOT EVEN THAT CUTE. I THOUGHT THIS MEDITATION S*** WAS MEANT TO BE GOOD FOR ME!!!!" (oh..."angry, angry, angry"...."suppressing, suppressing, suppressing", "irate, irate, irate".....). Haha. My next day with Johnathon, I explained my anger...my frustration...my wanting to leave...my thinking this was stupid....it wasn't working...and, to my surprise, Mr. freakin Johnathon came alive. Clapped his hands, smiled ear to ear, and said YES!!! YES!!! NOW you are seeing it. Mmmm...ok. If you say so dude. Then he asks...."how have you been feeling physically? Do you feel itchy? Does your skin feel greasy? Any nausea or diarrhea? Uhhhh....ok, creep ass. Yes, yes and yes. Can you explain now? Apparently....the meditation does this. It "wrings the body out"...if you will. Now, if he would have told me this AFTER I explained my 'conditions', I would have been like "yah...ok...whatever"....I didn't say a word. I felt better that all that was normal...and I believe it was day 6 that was my "best" day. Overall, it was up and down. With the ups averaging somewhere around neutral and the downs averaging somewhere around...well, hell. I didn't enjoy it...but I wasn't really expecting to. I learned stuff, but am not some "enlightened" being after 10 days. I haven't been brain-washed or mentally/physically scarred. The people closest to me may notice a slight difference...but other than that, it was more so just an eye-opening experience. Not something that I can change from just yet....just something I can choose to be more aware of. Obviously, it all goes much deeper than this...they couldn't have possibly taught me all there is to know in 10 days...and I can't possibly tell you in a blog everything I learned in 10 days....the meaning and reasoning behind everything. Why we "name" everything...why Johnathon said that I was "seeing it" after day 5...why I would possible do this to myself...why it's so important to be alone and not talk (and the true effect that has on you)...the intense feelings of "boredom" and what that can do to you....the understanding of the present moment...and how it allows you to let a lot of things go while also understanding they may come back (that idea of annica....imperamance)...the idea of accepting the fear, anger, worry and appreciating the good moments without getting caught on them....
I will give you my first experience being back in the "real world". When I got home (Spicy Thai...), I was SO excited to be here (or to be OUT of there). I talked to Saaw (1 of the chicas that works here) forever, sat on the computer forever, and decided I wanted a PIZZA...a whole one just for ME (you see...all these things I couldn't have before...). So, I had one of the girls order me one...I just pointed to a pretty picture...it looked good and I was sure I could eat the whole dang thing (come on...you have all seen me eat pizza before. And I had it from this place before...the large is quite small...and it's good). Even as I was doing this, I was saying BAD you!! Wanting, wanting, wanting....not a good path Janelle....cut the cause, cut the cause. I didn't. The pizza got here. He handed it to me and I nearly dropped it...it must have weighed 5 pounds. That's just gotta be gross. Then, the bill. It was 500 baht...which is officially, the single biggest transaction I've made since I've been in Thailand. I ate 2 slices. I feel ill. This, according to vipassana would be named "suffering, suffering, suffering"....my happy feeling of being here, led to wanting pizza, led to wanting a WHOLE pizza, led to a huge bill (13 dollars) and a stomach ache....I thus, created my own suffering. And the karma I let out by wanting, wanting, wanting came right back to me...! Now, this may seem like common sense, but you don't really realize how much it truly effects our lives, our relationships, our thoughts....and how hard it is to change...until you sit with it it....and sit with it....and walk with it....and sit with it......
Rachel will be here in 2 days....and, even through my exhaustion that makes me jump up and down!!
4 comments:
I am smiling and laughed out loud....I loved talking with you on the phone...and even after we got disconnected...likely for talking too long...I went right to the blog and it's so great and so you. I can feel and see the experience...and you are home (Spicy Thai) safe...so a mother is smiling ear to ear......I love you..
aww that was so cute! i miss you. sounds like you had an experience!
So 10 days in isolation, this makes any stateside therapy a cake walk. I'll be in for about 2, maybe 3 days of the retreat thing, a man needs his ice cream with hard shell and whip cream of course.Hey Rach you are there by now, hope your travels were good, you got guts girl!
Love Pops
I agree with your dad. Seriously my love for ice cream takes over everything... and bacon. Glad youre having a good time over there! DO you have an address??
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